|
 There
were two big life changing events that lead me to getting involved with
date rape and sexual assault issues.
The first was when a girl I was dating was drugged at a party. I
received a call from a hospital about 2 or 3AM in morning saying she was
there and was asking for me. She had cut her arms and could not
remember how. When I arrived she was incoherent and could not
remember what happened. She said she only had two drinks all
night. At the time neither of us really knew anything about date
rape drugs so didn't even know what happened or what to do. I
suspected someone must have put something in her drink. She wasn't
the same person after that and the relationship ended.
A year or so later while
in another relationship with a very special woman she confided in me
that she was a rape survivor. Now it's not like she just
decided to tell me. One particular night she became very upset
and somehow I knew exactly what was wrong. I have always been a
fairly intuitive person and based on some things I had noticed in
getting to know her I had already had a suspicion something had happened
to her in her past. That night, without saying the words, she
told me she had been raped in college. She had never told anyone before.
I
became very frustrated and angry about the pain I would see her go through
on a daily bases. Even though the rape occurred some years ago while she
was in college, it still caused so much pain and torment every single day.
It seemed to impact every area of her life. Once again I found myself in a
situation with someone I cared about but had no idea what to do. I
felt so helpless and confused. I had become what I now know is called
a “secondary
victim”. Secondary victims are the
friends, family members, and partners that live with the aftermath of
these crimes; having to deal with the long-term effects of what some other
monsters have done to someone they care about.
I decided it was time to
learn as much as I could about rape and sexual assault. I wanted to know
more about such things as; the aftermath of these crimes; how such
trauma affects a person physically, emotionally, and mentally—short-term
and long-term; how it affects relationships with boyfriends, spouses,
family and friends; what could we do to better support and help in the
healing; I was interested in why most victims don’t ever tell anyone or
get help; and of course, how someone could lower their likelihood of
being raped or sexually assaulted. For almost two
years I read anything I could find, surfed the Internet, went to
conferences, and attended training programs. What I found caused even more
frustration, confusion and disappointment.
Most of the funding, resources, and programming available were targeted towards services for the victims/survivors. Although most of the
people I have met who provide these programs and services are truly
amazing and special people, I can tell you first hand, most people,
including victims/survivors, are not aware of these programs and services
or don’t understand what they actually do. There is very little effort,
funding, or priority put into programs and resources targeted towards the
friends, families, or spouses (the “secondary victims”) of those living
with, through and beyond sexual assault and the aftermath.
There
is very little effort, funding or priority in programs and resources
targeting sexual assault more “upstream” through effective awareness and
safe dating & relationships programs and education at the middle school,
high school and college level. Most of these institutions turn a blind
eye because they feel it may not be a politically or socially correct
issue to address, or it may send a message that they have a problem—well
they DO have a problem.
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About 3% of college
woman experience a completed and/or attempted rape during a typical
college year (that is 600 rapes or attempted rapes on a campus of
20,000 students every year).
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1 in 4 college
women surveyed are victims of rape or attempted rape at some time.
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1 in 3 women will
be raped/sexual assaulted in their lifetime, 1 in 4 under the age of
18, and 22% of those are under the age of 12.
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Almost 50% of young
girls/women report that their first sexual experience was
non-consensual.
There is also very little effort, funding or priority targeted at a key
“upstream” avenue of addressing issues of sexual assault awareness and
education, safe dating and positive relationships—through engaging men in
an issue that is thought of by so many to be a “women’s issue”. I have
come to realize that sexual assault IS more of a men's issue than most of
us think, and it affects men more than we think. For example:
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When you
consider 1 in 4 women have been victims of sexual assault, chances are
high that at some point in every man's life, someone close to us (a
girlfriend, sister, mother, daughter, friend or acquaintance) will
likely disclose that they are a survivor of sexual violence (I’ve
already known four, that I am aware of). We need to be more aware and
better equipped to understand and respond appropriately. Ignorance
about the situation of rape/sexual assault and its impact can only hinder
the healing process and may even contribute to the survivor's feeling
further victimized. A supportive male presence during a survivor's
recovery, however, can be invaluable.
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Since 80% of
those who are raped or sexual assaulted know the man who attacked them,
our relationships with women become further difficult and confusing. It
makes it difficult for women to distinguish men who are safe from men
who are dangerous, men who can be trusted from men who can't, men who
will rape from men who won't. The result is women keeping their guard
up, where relationships with men are approached with fear and mistrust,
where intimacy is limited by the constant threat of violence, and where
all men are labeled "potential rapists." We need to be aware of this and
learn how to create more trusting, safer environments and clearer
communication in dating.
We as men need to be better
prepared and more knowledgeable about sexual assault and rape issues so we
can effectively help and support those close to us as well as have safer,
more positive relationships. We need to know how to help our girlfriends,
spouses, sisters, daughters, friends and mothers lower their likelihood of
being sexual assaulted.
As I stated above there is very little to address these “upstream” avenues
and needs. Regarding the resources, programs, organizations, and “experts”
I did find, very few were positive or showed any real “measurable” success
or results. Most were outdated; politically motivated; ideologically or
philosophically biased; treated all men as potential perpetrators;
disregard that men are victims too; blamed media, music, pop-culture,
drugs, alcohol, “male entitlement”, every ‘ism imaginable and everything
else in society, except the choices of perpetrators; painted a bleak
picture of men; had jaded views of masculinity; or made it shameful to be
a guy, especially a guys guy. Many programs would speak a lot about what
they were “against”, but very little of what they were “for”. Many
programs are full of wonderfully exciting (NOT) statistics and what not to
do. Regarding most current programs geared to men, one college student put
it this way, “They are either targeting us as the ones who do it, or we
have to be sissies.”
At this point I knew something had to be done and change was needed. I
have spent years helping adults, leaders, athletes and organization
achieve success personally and professionally. I am now focusing most of
my attention, knowledge, experience and skills on helping our children,
young adults, and future leaders achieve success, happiness and
well-being. I have created new, positive, updated, unique, and practical
programs that connect with people better. I believe that when people know
better they do better. Today's young people want to be talked “with” not
“at”. And they don’t just want to be told what to do, but how and why.
A few of my goals are to provide programs and resources that help people
have safer, confident more positive dating experiences and relationships,
to increase awareness and education about sexual assault and it’s
aftermath, to better prepare men, and women, to help and support survivors
of sexual assault, and to help men work with the women in their lives to
reduce their likelihood of sexual assault.
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